Sunday, December 13, 2009

All Day > Who Dey

Purple Jesus is back - 97 yards rushing, 40 yards receiving, and 2 touchdowns in a win over the Bengals today.

Skol, Vikings!

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Seriously, Tiger? She's Not Even Good Looking.


Tiger Woods has been in enough trouble this past week and I don't think doing Oprah would be a wise decision. I don't think Elin would be too happy about that. Hopefully she doesn't see this headline from Fox Sports. It's only going to make her upset. We don't want to make her upset, do we Tiger?

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Dan LeFevour: The Rich Man's Tim Tebow



The MAC Championship game is tonight in Detroit. Central Michigan versus Ohio University. Doesn't get much better than this. You should tune in to this game for one big reason: to watch the legend and the myth known as Dan LeFevour!

So who is this Dan LeFevour? Well, let me you. He is a four-year starter at quarterback for Central Michigan. He has led the Chippewas to a 10-win season and what will eventually be another bowl birth. Motor City Bowl baby! In case you didn't already know, LeFervour is also the rich man's version of Heisman favorite Tim Tebow (Wink). Don't believe me? Check out these stats below. LeFevour has better passing numbers and is just as good of running threat than Tebow. Clearly, Tim Tebow wears Dan LeFevour's pajamas and I wouldn't be surprised if LeFevour castrates more boys per year than Tebow.


Career Passing Stats:
LeFevour - 12,255 yards 100 TD's 34 Ints 67% Completion
Tebow - 8,556 yards 84TD's 15 Ints 66% Completion

Career Rushing Stats:
LeFevour - 2,885 yards on 645 Carries 46 TD's
Tebow - 2,833 yards on 668 Carries 46 TD's


LeFevour - Only player in NCAA history to throw for over 12,000 yards are run for 2,500 yards. Third in NCAA History in Total Offense. Tied for the most TD's in NCAA history with 146.


It's almost spooky how similar some of these numbers are. Tim Tebow is great player, but I just think Dan LeFevour deserves some attention. It's very rare that we see a college player have the same kind of success that he's had for 4 straight years (Look at this bio). Just because he plays at a smaller school doesn't mean that his 146 (and counting) career touchdowns shouldn't count. Where would Central Michigan be without him? Probably not playing tonight.
Dan LeFevour for Heisman.


Monday, November 23, 2009

Joe Mauer is AL MVP!


Major League Baseball has just released that Joe Mauer is the 2009 AL MVP. Mauer received 27 out of 28 first place votes beating out New York's Mark Teixeira and Derek Jeter.

I was definitely a little scared knowing that Mauer's main competition was two Yankees players, but the voters got it right. Don't get me wrong I think Jeter and Tex are good players, but There is no question Joe Mauer is the best player in the AL.

The stats are simply ridiculous. He led the league in batting average (.365) and on-base percentage (.444). He hit a career high 28 HRs, drove in 98 runs, and struck out only 63 times. Mauer catches nearly everyday, manages the pitching staff, grooms his sideburns, and he did just win his second Gold Glove. He is what every superstar should be like as person and he means the world to Twins fans. Take Joe Mauer out of the Twins lineup and there is no chance they make the playoffs. That is why he is the Most Valuable Player.

In a time where baseball is dominated by big market teams, steroids, and horrible postseason umpiring, Joe Mauer is everything that is right with baseball. Congratulations Joe, I will never forget this season and I am so happy the Twins took you over Mark Prior.

Also, could we get this man a contract extension soon!

Friday, November 20, 2009

You Play to Win the Game



All anyone is taking out of Sunday night's Colts / Patriots game is the alleged "worst call in the history of any calls that were ever made ever." I disagree.

How many times have we watched Peyton Manning carve up defenses in a two-minute drill to win the game? Plenty of times. Enough times to know that the best defense against it is to never even put the ball in his hands! Faulk gets across that line, Brady kneels, game over, and Belichick is hailed as an evil genius yet again. But since Faulk (allegedly) didn't get across the line, now everyone's wondering if the Patriots are fading away and Belichick has lost it. Whatever.

They could've punted it and watch Manning slice through their D (like he had been doing all half) for 70 yards, or they could've taken a chance to let him do it for 20 yards. Well unfortunately they gambled and lost, but I definitely think it was the right call. Hard for a quarterback to do much without the ball in his hands.

All coaching crap aside, how good was that game?? Colts/Pats never disappoints, hopefully a postseason rematch is in the near future.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Bron Bron To Change His Number


So by now you've probably heard that King James is changing his number from 23 to 6. James says that he's doing this in honor of the great Michael Jordan. This is a flatout lie.


A source close to me confirmed that Lebron is changing his number to pay tribute to Bonzi Wells.


You probably think I'm kidding and that I'm just making this up. Why would you make that up? Who is your source? How do they know this? How many times have you been dropped on your head? Irrelevant, irrelevant, irrelevant, and irrelevant.

Friday, November 6, 2009

When Soccer Gets Ugly...Real Ugly



Hopefully this video stays up long enough for you to enjoy this mauling. How could girls do things so hurtful to one another...in a game of freaking SOCCER. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say she's single...but if you're out there reading this, you know..feel free to shoot me an e-mail.

It's bad enough this girl wasn't thrown out or suspended (yet), she should be charged with assault. Some of the things she was doing were just completely ridiculous and clearly meant to inflict maximum pain to those other girls. She should also probably be referred to some kind of psychologist, because the whole kicking-a-ball-at-a-girl's-face-point-blank-when-she's-on-the-ground thing just might be a cry for help... or it could be a cry proclaiming "HEY WORLD, I'M A CRAZY ASS BITCH"

Oh yeah, and they lost

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Hawks Logo Gets the Euro Cut


I'm watching the Grizzlies and Warriors play right now and I can't help but think how much Andris Biedrins's head looks like the new Atlanta Hawks logo.

I seriously wish that every player in the NBA had a goofy euro haircut.

Friday, October 30, 2009

Boobs' Locks of the Week

COLLEGE LOCK OF THE WEEK
Ucla at Oregon St -9.5
OREGON ST
Last week, the Arizona line was at 9 before moving to 7.5 by the end of the week meaning people were betting on UCLA to cover. Why? No clue. I won my lock of the week because UCLA is a bad football team. Arizona turned it over 5 times and still won by 2 touchdowns. Translation: It could have been much worse. UCLA goes on the road again this week to Oregon St., a team similar to Arizona. They gave USC a fight last week, and hopefully there is no letdown from that. Again, the line started at 10 and it has now moved to 9.5. We'll see if Vegas or the betters win this round. I'm going with Vegas and the Beavers.

NFL Lock of the Week
Minnesota +3 at Green Bay
MINNESOTA
I want to start this by saying I hate every single line this week in the NFL. The reason I like the Vikings is I think they are the most complete team in the NFC. They have everything except a competent coach. Good teams like Minnesota don't lose two games in a row. Especially when a dropped pass and a blown call have them upset about the loss. They are angry. They are getting three points. Take Minnesota.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Adrian Puts His Trucker Hat On


Yes. I know. The Vikings lost today. Tripping on Dugan? Give me a break. Watching the Vikings lose a game that they should have won was not enjoyable. However, watching Adrian Peterson absolutely destroy William Gay was enjoyable.


Friday, October 23, 2009

Boobs' Locks of the Week

When you get embarrassed like I did last week you need to change things up. It starts with the name of this post. Technically I tied on the Air Force game even though the line moved to 10.5 later in the week. I consider that a loss. I won't even go into what happened in my other lock (Giants pass rush please report to Tom Coughlin's office, Giants pass rush to Coughlin's office please). I am also simplifying the picks for this week. Hopefully these changes lead to a couple W's.
COLLEGE LOCK OF THE WEEK
UCLA at ARIZONA (-7.5). ARIZONA!
I love Arizona's passing game and although their defense struggled a little bit against Stanford last week, it hasn't been too bad this year. I don't think UCLA is any good whatsoever. Oregon didn't have their starting qb and won by 2 td's. Cal's struggling offense put up 45 last week in a 19 point win. Arizona's offense has been lights out. UCLA's offense stinks. Arizona is at home. Go with the Wildcats this week.
Final: Arizona 35, UCLA 20
NFL Lock of the week
Indianapolis (-14) at St. Louis
Do I have to specify? Indy baby.
I don't see how the colts won't win by at least two touchdowns. Peyton Manning is the best QB on the planet right now. What do you get when the best QB and possibly best team in the NFL has two weeks to prepare for a lousy Rams Team? A beatdown. I hope the Rams are spending more time scouting the college players this week than preparing for the colts. They need some playmakers when the draft comes next april, especially on defense. O yeah, and Bob Sanders is supposed to be back.

Final: Indianapolis 31, St. Louis 3

Friday, October 16, 2009

Chad Ochocinco Is A Class Act

Say what you want about the guy, but behind all the hoopla and antics, I believe he has a plan. What NFL player garners as much attention as #85? Especially for a team such as the Bengals, although their fortunes seem to have turned this year. He also seems to go out of his way to help fans/give fans the entertainment we pay them for. These athletes get payed millions of dollars to play a game, so for my money I want to see the most ridiculous show possible! Ochocinco provides that as best he can, and I praise him for it. Alas the reason for this post, Chad is partnering with Motorola to buy the 1,200 tickets needed to prevent a blackout and let the game be televised. The situation is fairly sad, thinking you get to see a 4-1 team (should be 5-0) against a team with a very talented offense. So hats off to Chad Ochocinco and keep up the good work.

ALCS Preview: Yankees vs. Angels


So the Angels finally got past the Red Sox and the Yankees didn't implode in the postseason (yet). In a couple of series marred by terrible blown calls by the umps, both of these teams came away with clean sweeps. The Angels did what no one has done before in the postseason, get to Jonathan Papelbon; and the Yankees' timely hitting, good starts, and crushing of Joe Nathan's soul brought them to the next round.

Both of these teams are playing with such a passion that when the two collide, the results should be very entertaining. The two teams are actually pretty evenly matched, they had the most wins and runs in all of Major League Baseball, and their head to head record this year was 5-5. Mark Teixeira will be facing his old team, and Bobby Abreu will be facing his as well. Both of these teams seem to be playing their best baseball at the right time. All of the ingredients for a great series, minus the steroids..(well...).

Both of these teams have a great rotation, both offenses have been ridiculous (the Angels are the only team in MLB history to have 11 players with 50+ RBI each. The Yankees get the edge in starting pitching, but the Angels' speed gives them the edge on offense. Both have capable bullpens and solid closers.

Lady and Gentlemen, what we have here is damn near a push. Crack open your 40s and let's hope for a competitive series to wake us up from those lame divisional series'.

Players to watch: CC Sabathia, Alex Roidriguez, Torii Hunter, Scott Kazmir, Brian Fuentes

The Prediction:

Angels in 7

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Get Your Popcorn Ready, Chicago


Rumors are swirling about T.O. possibly being traded to the Chicago Bears. The Bears are in need of a top receiver and Owens could be the weapon that they need. What would the Bills get in return for Owens? Are there other teams that are interested in him? Where do babies come from? These are the questions that remain to be answered.

Boobs' team you should bet on if betting were legal lock of the week

Since I haven't lost a football bet in 3 weeks, well teams I would have bet on if I was in Vegas anyway, I decided to start a lock of the week to make sure I jinx myself and not win another bet for the rest of the year. But if my streak is to continue here are the two teams (1 college, 1 Pro) I like this weekend and why.

COLLEGE LOCK OF THE WEEK
Wyoming (+10) at Air Force (-10)
AIR FORCE.
Why: Air Force's losses this year: at Minnesota (by 7) because of a fluke fumble the Gophers returned for a touchdown, at Navy (in overtime by 3), the same Navy team that had the No. 7 ranked Ohio St on the ropes in Colombus, and No. 12 TCU by 3 points last week. They run the triple option and play in the mountain air. Not good news for a road Wyoming team this week, that frankly, just isn't very good. They have won some close games this year against Florida Atlantic, UNLV, and the powerhouse Weber St. They got blanked by Colorado 24-0.
Bottom Line: On a neutral field Air Force is two touchdowns better. At home they could be 3. Yeah i'll take Air Force and give the points.
Final Score: Air Force 31, Wyoming 10
(Also Considered: West Virginia -20 against Marshall, Colorado St +22 at TCU)

NFL LOCK OF THE WEEK
N.Y. Giants (+3) at New Orleans (-3)
N.Y.Giants.
WHY: I wanted to take the Falcons over Bears, but since I am a huge Falcons fan I decided that would probably come off as bias and no one would believe me anyway. So I'm going to take the game of the week instead. I think the Giants are the best team in the NFC. Going on the road doesn't matter to them, they have been the best road team in the NFL the last two years. When they won the Super Bowl two years ago they did by beating Tampa Bay, Dallas, and Green Bay on the road. Even though I don't like Eli Manning (really you're too good to play with LT in 75 degree weather year-round), he plays better on the road and under pressure. The Giants will run the ball, control the clock, and not turn the ball over. Eli will make plays when he has to. The Giants defensive line will force Brees into uncharacteristic mistakes. And in case you forgot, it's not like the Saints offense has been on fire the last two games against the Bills and Jets.
Bottom Line: The Giants are better and underdogs. They won't give the Saints 14 points from turnovers. I am assuming Eli Manning is healthy and I haven't heard anything to contradict that. The Giants will win AND just in case you get three points. Take the Giants.
Final Score: N.Y.Giants 27, New Orleans 20
(Also Considered: Atlanta-3 against the Bears, Jets -9 against the Bills)

DISCLAIMER: Schrempf Scampi is not responsible for any bets that you would have made and any money you would have lost if betting were legal.

NLCS Preview: Phillies vs. Dodgers



Well, the Dodgers did a great job of making me look like an idiot when I doubted that pitching rotation that actually pitched very well. Of course, maybe take away one Matt Holliday nutshot and we have a different series, but that's baseball and now we're treated to what looks like it will be a really really good NLCS.

Again we have another scary rotation in the Phillies (who even got a save from Brad Lidge!), with King Cole taking the mound tonight against Clayton Kershaw. I think the key will be whether or not the Dodgers starters can continue to go deep into the game to hand a lead off to the bullpen to preserve, if that's the case then it's over for the Phillies. The Dodgers also have impressive players coming off the bench in Jim Thome, Juan Pierre, Orlando Hudson, etc. That could also be the difference. However, the Phillies have been in this same spot...last year even, and now they have Cliff Lee, Raul Ibanez, J. A. Happ, among others who are ready to step up and bring them back to the World Series.

I think the Dodgers get a couple shaky starts that lead to a couple losses, but bounce right back in this back in forth series to knock off the defending champs in a decisive Game 7.

Players to watch: Cole Hamels, Clayton Kershaw, J. A. Happ, George Sherrill, Dodgers bench players

The Prediction:

Dodgers in 7


Oh yeah, this series even brought us this awesome little image from ESPN.com's frontpage:




You're sittin on a goldmine, Trebek!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Schrempf Scampi's Lost 2009 MLB Postseason Picks

Fashionably late, here they are:

JP

ALDS
Red Sox over Angels 3-2
Yankees Over Twins 3-1

NLDS
Rockies over Phillies 3-1
Cardinals over Dodgers 3-1

ALCS
Red Sox over Yankees 3-1

NLCS
Cardinals over Rockies 4-2

World Series
Cardinals over Red Sox 4-3

WS MVP
Chris Carpenter

Bold Random Prediction... AJ Burnett falls apart in the postseason and doesn't record a win and ends up with a 10+ postseason ERA.


Boobs

Twins are going to win play in game.

ALDS
Angels over Red Sox (Finally) 3-1
Yankees Over Twins 3-1

NLDS
Rockies over Phillies 3-1
Cardinals over Dodgers 3-2

ALCS
Angels over Yankees 4-3

NLCS
Rockies over Cardinals 4-3

World Series
Rockies over Angels 4-2

WS MVP
Ubaldo Jimenez

Bold Random Prediction... Ubaldo jimenez hits 100 in the ninth inning of his game 6 complete game shutout


Tenny

ALDS
Angels over Red Sox
Twins over Yankees

NLDS
Phillies over Rockies
Cardinals over Dodgers

ALCS
Angels over Twins

NLCS
Cardinals over Phillies

World Series
Angels over Cardinals

WS MVP
Torii Hunter


Vanilla Gorilla

Angels over Red Sox- 3-2
Yankees over Twins- 3-2

Rockies over Phillies 3-1
Cards over Dodgers 3-1

Yankees over Angels 3-2

Rockies over Cards 4-2

World Series

Rockies over Yankees 4-3


Ben15

ALDS
Red Sox over Angels 3-1 (ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz what's new)
Twins over Yankees 3-1 (Clinchin in the Dome!!!)

ALCS
Red Sox over Twins 4-1 (Clinchin in the Dome!!!)

NLDS
Phillies over Rockies 3-2
Cardinals over Dodgers 3-1

NLCS
Cardinals over Phillies 4-3

World Series
Red Sox over Cardinals 4-1

WS MVP
Josh Beckett

Random Bold Prediction: I pee all over the seats in the Metrodome when the Red Sox win the ALCS.


Brady

ALDS
Halos over Sox 3-2
Yanks over Twins 3-1

NLDS
Phillies over Rocktober 3-1
Cards over Mannywood 3-1

ALCS
Yanks over Halos 4-1

NLCS
Phillies over Cards 4-3

World Series
Phillies over Yankees 4-3

WS MVP
Ryan Howard

Bold Random Prediction
If the boys from the City of Brotherly Love (and battery throwing) becoming the first NL team to repeat since the 75-76 Reds isn't good enough I'll go with Ryan Howard only striking out 6 times in their 18 games they'll play.


Pederman

ALDS

Twins over Yankeesin 4
Angels over Red Sox in 3

Twins over Angels in 6


NLDS

Rockies over Phillies in 5
Cardinals over Dodgers in 5

NLCS

Cardinals over Rockies in 6


World Series

Twins over Cardinals in 7

WS MVP

Michael Cuddyer


Bold Random Prediction: Alexi Casilla will properly tag up in the playoffs


Berzenoa


ALDS

Twins over Yankees in 5
Red Sox over Angels in 4


ALCS

Twins over Red Sox in 6


NLDS

Phillies over Rockies in 4
Cardinals over Dodgers in 4


NLCS

Phillies over Cardinals in 7

World Series

Twins over Phillies in 6

WS MVP: Jason Kubel

BOLD : Brad Lidge saves every game


Monday, October 12, 2009

Most Disgusting Game in NFL History?




Imagine a game with 4 turnovers, 16 penalties, a combined 10-33 on 3rd down conversions, no touchdowns, 16 punts, and this impressive line:

Derek Anderson: 2/17, 23 yds, 1 INT

That, my friends is the lowest completion percentage by a quarterback in a win (minimum 15 attempts) since the merger.

Fitting that this game would end 6-3 on a late field goal by Browns backup kicker Billy Cundiff set up by Roscoe Parrish muffing a punt.

It appears to be another expected season of ineptitude for the Cleveland Browns, but Buffalo fans have to be extremely disappointed in their team. They had visions of winning the AFC East while the Patriots still lick their wounds but are now 1-4. Not quite what they had in mind when they brought in quarterback-enthusiast Terrell Owens.


Oh yeah, and one more thing from this game I found:

The Browns' two completions are the fewest for a winning team since the Bengals did it in a 31-21 win over Denver on Oct. 22, 2000. Corey Dillon had 278 of the Bengals' 407 yards rushing. Akili Smith went 2 of 9 for 34 yards and Scott Mitchell missed all five attempts.


AKILI SMITH!

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

NLDS Preview: Cardinals vs. Dodgers


This has potential to be the best of the first round playoff series. Great pitching and a lot of offense are the strengths for both of these teams. The acquisition of Matt Holliday is working out pretty well, he was straight murdering the ball right away. He's back down to earth since then, but is definitely a key part of the Cardinals offense. The Dodgers had some trouble closing out the season, and Manny Ramirez has looked like...well... a guy that's no longer on steroids, but there's always a chance he'll find his stick in the playoffs, and between him, Matt Kemp, and Andre Ethier there's a lot of danger for a quick burst of offense.


Cardinals Player to Watch:

Matt Holliday, St. Louis definitely does not regret going after this guy as he has solidified himself as a key part of the Cardinals offense, which really wasn't all that bad to begin with...Albert Pujols, maybe you've heard of him? Let's not forget that Holliday's a free agent after this, so he'll definitely want to use this opportunity to fatten up any potential contract that's on the horizon after this postseason, I'm expecting big things from him.

Honorable Mentions: Ryan Ludwick, Chris Carpenter, Ryan Franklin

Dodgers Player to Watch:

Clayton Kershaw, this kid got off to a great start this season before a shoulder injury hampered him. He's been kinda sketchy ever since. The Dodgers need their pitching in general to come up big and keep up with the superior Cardinals staff.

Honorable Mentions: Andre Ethier, Jonathan Broxton, Manny Ramirez

The Prediction:

While it does have potential to be the best matchup, to me the Cardinals pitching staff is just too good, and the Dodgers have too many question marks at the wrong time of the season. Carpenter, Wainwright, and Piniero are a lethal 1-2-3 punch and just might be enough to get a clean sweep of the Dodgers right back to Mannywood to lick their wounds. Speaking of, ManRam has been in a big slump lately and I just don't think he'll recover. The Cardinals get the edge in every aspect of this one to me, I like them to sweep.

Cardinals in 3

ALDS Preview: Yankees vs. Twins



This is the game where the Yankees are supposed to roll over whichever crappy team ends up winning the AL Central (apologies to Fox for their stupid commercials where it shows the Tigers will be in the postseason). ESPN experts across the board picked the Yankees to easily handle the Twins (why not? The Twins are 0-7 against the Yanks this season), and most have picked the Yankees to go all the way and bring home their first World Series win since 2000, or an eternity if you're a Yankees fan. The Yankees recent postseason attempts haven't gone well, they've choked, choked, and choked some more. Oh yeah...and this. But talk to any Yankees fan and they don't wanna live in the past (unless they pull out the obligatory "kiss the rings" cop-out), nope, they're all about living in the now. Their team went out and spent enough money to buy Nigeria this offseason and are convinced that these are the guys to finally bring home another title.

But it's never quite as simple as that. Let's start with their "scary" rotation. their ace Carsten Charles Sabathia is a known postseason choke-artist (2-3 in 5 starts, the only thing scary about him is his postseason ERA of 7.92 if you're a Yankees fan), AJ Burnett has been real shaky as of late, Andy Pettitte has question marks of his own as of late. Then of course you have the king of postseason choking, Alex Rodriguez.

Anytime someone brings up the Twins' chances in this series, that magical word is always brought up... "momentum." Yes the Twins have been arguably baseball's best team over the past month, they just capped off a never-before-seen comeback to win the AL Central for the 5th time in 8 years. Momentum is definitely on the side of the Twinkies, even when they have more question marks on that team than I can even explore in one blog post, they're just getting it done any way they can.

So which team shows up? The team that hasn't been able to beat the Yankees over the past decade or the gritty team that finds ways to win no matter how much the odds are against them?

Yankees Player to Watch:

Alex Rodriguez, A-Roid is licking his chops waiting to show the world why the Yankees gave him a $700 billion contract and silence his critics once and for all.. or at least for a few days. The pressure is definitely on him, but will he choke? Try to swat a ball out of Michael Cuddyer's glove? Or yell "I Got it" as he rounds the bases on an infield pop-up?

Honorable Mentions: CC Sabathia, Mark Teixiera, Joba Chamberlain


Twins Player to Watch:

Brian Duensing

Congratulations rookie, in your 10th career start you get a trip to the Bronx to face the Yankees as a heavy underdog against a former Cy Young winner. If Duensing can keep up his unexpectedly awesome rookie season, that will be the key to the Twins competing with the Yankees. A good start from him will give an undoubtedly tired bullpen some much needed rest.

Honorable Mentions: Nick Blackburn, Michael Cuddyer, Delmon Young


The Prediction:

Momentum. Is. Everything. However, as tempted as I am to pick with my heart...and I really am, my head is prevailing and I'm saying the Yankees will handle the Twins in 4 games, thus continuing the recent struggles of the Twinkies against the Yanks. I do think the Twins will win one at the Dome behind a fired up crowd...and I do like the Twins chances to win at least 1 in New York, hell they came 1 run away from doing it 3 out of 4 times this season. Unfortunately I think this is the year the Yankees right the ship.

Yankees in 4.

NLDS Preview: Rockies vs. Phillies


Pitching, pitching, and more pitching is what this series comes down to. The Phillies have one of the strongest rotations in the postseason with a couple of Cy Young winners, World Series MVP, and possibly a Rookie of the Year. However, the Rockies pitching is a lot more improved than it was in 2006. They're the only team in the majors to have all 5 starters reach double digit wins, and Jason Marquis continues his unlikely streak of playing in the postseason for 10 straight years but hasn't been looking sharp as of late. The Phillies have been a little shaky as of late, but definitely are ready to defend their title. The giant question mark is Brad Lidge who was perfect for saves last year, this year he's been anything but.

Rockies Player to Watch:

Ubaldo Jimenez, the Rockies need Ubaldo to step up big time and shut down the Phillies right away in Game 1. I'm thinking he will be the key to their postseason success.

Honorable Mentions: Troy Tulowitzski, Todd Helton


Phillies Player to Watch:

Brad Lidge, all eyes will be on Brad Lidge assuming the Phillies do indeed keep him in the closer spot for the postseason. I have a feeling he will be on a very short leash, don't be surprised if he gets yanked in favor of Ryan Madson if he finds himself in any kind of trouble. The Phillies know Lidge was one of the heroes of 2008 but they want to give themselves the best chance to win again in '09.

Honorable Mentions: Cliff Lee, Raul Ibanez, J.A. Happ


The Prediction:

The Rockies steal one away from the Phillies at The Bank and when Philadelphia travels to Denver, bullpen uncertainties eventually lead to their demise. The Rockies are damn near as hot as they were two years ago, and a large chunk of that team is still on the roster so they know how to win postseason games. The Phillies have the overall better lineup and rotation, but the Rockies will use clutch hitting and solid outings from starters to send the Phillies home.

Rockies in 4

Monday, October 5, 2009

It All Comes Down to This




If you would've told me a month ago that today the Minnesota Twins would be one game away from clinching the AL Central I would've called you a stupid liar, and an idiot... and I would've thrown a rock at you.

Well, here we are. The team that refuses to just go away like everyone thought they would is now finding themselves in yet another one game playoff to decide the AL Central. This has been anything but a dream season; our best pitcher is out for the season with a wrist injury, our former MVP has a fractured back, our 3rd baseman has a back made of glass, and Nick Punto and Matt Tolbert are in the everyday lineup. Our one-time unhittable prized rookie is now struggling to even come out of the bullpen. But somehow, some way, the Twins are finding ways to win. Players are getting hot at the right time (Delmon Young's batting .529 with 3 homers and 10 RBI in the past 4 days, Michael Cuddyer: 10 homers and 29 RBI in the past month, and Jason Kubel contributed 16 extra base hits and 25 RBI over the same span). Speaking of spans, Denard has been arguably the team's second most valuable player this season providing great defense as well as offense. He has been dominating the leadoff spot and is a huge reason the Twins are where they are right now. He's definitely an exciting player to keep an eye on for years to come.

I'm not sure what's more incredible, the fact that there's been a one game playoff for the third consecutive year or the fact that the Twins have been involved in the last two.

I know what the majority of MLB fans are thinking, "who cares who wins this game? They're just gonna get dominated by the Yankees anyways like they did all season...durf durf durf" Yes the Twins did lose all seven of their games against the Bronx Bombers, but let's keep in mind that these were not all decisive victories...six of the seven games were decided by 3 runs or less. Oh yeah, and three of those games in New York were decided on walk off hits; the Twins were very much in all of those games. What has history taught us? The team that gets hot at the right time tends to make the deepest run in the playoffs, just ask the '07 Rockies (who might've cooled down a little too much when they swept the NLCS and had an extended break only to be swept by the Red Sox in the World Series). Hell, you might even be able to ask the '09 Rockies in a few weeks. The Twins offense is getting hot at the right time, and the Yankees have been known to choke in the postseason as of late. I'm not terrified by their pitching either, I think the Twins would have a legitimate shot at beating them.

But before any of that happens, they have some work to do Tuesday night.

Is there enough Metrodome magic left for one last run before the Twins move outdoors?

Mark May Expresses What We're All Thinking

This is one of the greatest screw-ups caught on live tv.

Credit goes to Detroit4Lyfe



He'll probably play it off like he was yawning, but I think we all know what Mark May was really thinking. Hopefully this stays up long enough for the world to enjoy.

UPDATE: Video is now down, can't find a replacement...but for the archives, it's a video of Lou Holtz rambling on about how Jimmy Clausen is the greatest athlete in the history of all sports ever and the camera suddenly cuts to Mark May making a suggestive gesture involving his hand and an open mouth.....it just didn't look good at all.

Long story short, Lou Holtz has lost any semblance left of his mind and needs to be let go if not for anything else but his disgusting bias towards Notre Dame. How's that Notre Dame BCS Champion pick lookin', Lou?

Thursday, October 1, 2009

The Metrodome Miracle Revisited

You've seen the Favre to Lewis touchdown over and over all week long. Probably so many times that your eyes are bleeding. What I really love about it is how ridiculous it really is. Yes, the play was ridiculous, but there's more to it than that.

Vikings fans haven't seen too many plays like that one. A hell of a pass and a hell of a catch. It just so happens that Brett Favre was playing quarterback for the Vikings. It's so strange to think that the player I grew up hating created one of the best plays in Vikings history.

In a scenario that I've completely made up, there's only one person that would find the Favre game-winner even stranger. A Packers fan goes into a coma after Favre retired as a Packer and wakes up to see the end of the Vikings game on Sunday. So much confusion. Favre is a Viking. Favre throws a touchdown pass to Greg Lewis with two seconds left to take a win from the 49ers. I'm guessing this person probably thinks that they are either in an alternate universe or hell has frozen over. A part of this person wishes that they were still comatose.

I love that scenario so much because now this person has to look forward to Monday night when the Packers play the Vikings and Brett Favre is wearing purple. Things sure do have a strange way of working out, don't they?


Sunday, September 20, 2009

Once Upon A Time In Maryland


Delonte West is a pretty ballsy guy. Not only did he cut off a police officer on his spaceship, but he did it with a guitar case carrying a loaded shotgun strapped to his back. He also had a 9mm and a .357 magnum on him when he was arrested.

I've come to the conclusion that Delonte is actually El Mariachi.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Schrempf Scampi's 2009 College Football Predictions

The picks are only a week late, as you will see from my pick of Oklahoma State winning the championship... I knew I would be wrong, but I just wish it wasn't proven so early.

JP

ACC Champ: Georgia Tech
Big 12 Champ: Oklahoma State
Big East Champ: West Virginia
Big Ten Champ: Penn State
C-USA Champ: Tulsa
MAC Champ: Toledo
Mtn West Champ:BYU
Pac-10 Champ: USC
SEC Champ: Florida
Sun Belt Champ: North Texas
WAC Champ: Boise St.

Heisman Winner: Jahvid Best

BCS National Champion: Oklahoma State

Bold, Random Prediction: Oklahoma State as my champ doesn't count? Tennessee beats Florida

Player who probably won't win the heisman but deserves it anyway: Dez Bryant


Pederman


ACC Champ: Clemson
Big 12 Champ: Kansas
Big East Champ: West Virginia
Big Ten Champ: Michigan State
C-USA Champ: East Carolina
MAC Champ: Central Michigan
Mtn West Champ:BYU
Pac-10 Champ: California
SEC Champ: Ole Miss
Sun Belt Champ: Troy
WAC Champ: Boise St.

Heisman Winner: Todd Reesing

BCS National Champion: BYU. Its 1984 all over again. Ty Detmer baby!!!!

Bold, Random Prediction: None of these predictions can happen. We are all dumber for reading them.

Player who probably won't win the heisman but deserves it anyway: Greg Paulus!!!! Just kidding he sucks balls. Noel Devine or Dennis Pitta its a toss up. What about Dan LeFevour?


Boobs


ACC Champ: Georgia Tech
Big 12 Champ: Oklahoma
Big East Champ: South Florida
Big Ten Champ: Penn State
C-USA Champ: Southern Mississppi
MAC Champ: Central Michigan
Mtn West Champ:TCU
Pac-10 Champ: Cal
SEC Champ: Florida
Sun Belt Champ: Florida Atlantic
WAC Champ: Boise St.

Heisman Winner: Colt McCoy

BCS National Champion: Florida

Bold, Random Prediction: Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, goes right for one of the Non-BCS teams as they not only make a BCS game, they make the national championship game only to lose to Florida. My pick: Boise St.

Player who probably won't win the heisman but deserves it anyway: Jonathan Dwyer


Vanilla Gorilla


ACC Champ: Georgia Tech
Big 12 Champ: Texas (Gross)
Big East Champ: Cincinnati
Big Ten Champ: Penn State
C-USA Champ: Houston
MAC Champ: Western Michigan
Mtn West Champ:Utah
Pac-10 Champ: Cal
SEC Champ: Florida
Sun Belt Champ: Arkansas St.
WAC Champ: Boise St.

Heisman Winner: Tim Tebow

BCS National Champion: Florida

Bold, Random Prediction:Mizzou makes a run for being the Big 12 Champ even after losing Maclin and Daniel.

Player who probably won't win the heisman but deserves it anyway: Jevan Snead

Sunday, September 13, 2009

SUNDAYS ARE BACK!

The NFL season is back and it couldn't have come soon enough. I will be spending every Sunday from now until February 7th on the couch watching countless hours of football. I can't think of anything better than that. Enjoy the games today!

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Schrempf Scampi's Guaranteed-to-be-wrong 2009-10 NFL Predictions

Alright kids, place your bets accordingly (avoid our picks at all costs).

JP

-AFC-
West Champ: Chargers
East: Patriots
North: Steelers
South: Titans

Wildcard: Dolphins
Wildcard: Colts

Conference Champs:
Titans over Patriots
-NFC-
West: Seahawks
East: Eagles
North: Vikings
South: Saints

Wildcard: Falcons
Wildcard: Redskins

Conference Champs:
Eagles over Vikings

Super Bowl XLIV
Eagles over Titans

Super Bowl MVP: Donovan McNabb
Regular Season MVP: Drew Brees
Offensive Player of the Year: Drew Brees
Defensive Player of the Year: DeMarcus Ware
Offensive Rookie of the Year: Donald Brown
Defensive Rookie of the Year: Brian Orakpo
Comeback Player of the Year: Tom Brady
Head Coach of the Year: Jim Zorn


Vanilla Gorilla

-AFC-
West Champ: Chargers
East: Patriots
North: Steelers
South: Titans

Wildcard: Dolphins
Wildcard: Colts

Conference Champs:
Titans over Chargers

-NFC-
West: Cardinals
East: Eagles
North: Vikings
South: Panthers

Wildcard: Cowboys
Wildcard: Falcons

Conference Champs:
Falcons over Vikings

Super Bowl XLIV
Titans over Falcons

Super Bowl MVP: Chris Johnson
Regular Season MVP: Phillip Rivers
Offensive Player of the Year: Adrian Peterson
Defensive Player of the Year: DeMarcus Ware
Offensive Rookie of the Year: Percy Harvin
Defensive Rookie of the Year: Rey Maualuga
Comeback Player of the Year: Chad Ochocinco
Head Coach of the Year: Jeff Fisher


Ben15


-AFC-
West Champ: Denver
East: Patriots
North: Steelers
South: Titans

Wildcard: Colts
Wildcard: Baltimore

Conference Champs:
Patriots over Steelers

-NFC-
West: Cardinals
East: Washington
North: Bears
South: New Orleans

Wildcard: Vikings
Wildcard: Falcons

Conference Champs:
Vikings over Cardinals

Super Bowl XLIV
Patriots over Vikings

Super Bowl MVP: Randy Moss
Regular Season MVP: Tom Brady
Offensive Player of the Year: Adrian Peterson
Defensive Player of the Year: DeMarcus Ware
Offensive Rookie of the Year: Chris Wells
Defensive Rookie of the Year: Aaron Curry
Comeback Player of the Year: Tom Brady
Head Coach of the Year: Bill Belichick


Tenny


-AFC-
West Champ: Chargers
East: Patriots
North: Steelers
South: Titans

Wildcard: Dolphins
Wildcard: Ravens

Conference Champs:
Patriots over Steelers

-NFC-
West: Cardinals
East: Giants
North: Vikings
South: Falcons

Wildcard: Eagles
Wildcard: Saints

Conference Champs:
Giants over Eagles

Super Bowl XLIV
Patriots over Giants

Super Bowl MVP: Tom Brady
Regular Season MVP: Tom Brady
Offensive Player of the Year: Adrian Peterson
Defensive Player of the Year: Jared Allen
Offensive Rookie of the Year: Mark Sanchez
Defensive Rookie of the Year: Aaron Curry
Comeback Player of the Year: Chad Ochocinco
Head Coach of the Year: Bill Belichick


Pederman

-AFC-
West Champ: Chargers (when Turner is fired)
East: Dolphins
North: Bengals
South: Texans

Wildcard:Ravens
Wildcard: Jags

Conference Champs:
Chargers over Texans
-NFC-
West: Cardinals
East: Redskins
North: Vikings
South: Saints

Wildcard: Packers
Wildcard: Falcons

Conference Champs:
Saints over Vikings

Super Bowl XLIV
Chargers over Saints

Super Bowl MVP: Jacob Hester
Regular Season MVP: Drew Brees
Offensive Player of the Year: Adrian Peterson (Bears)
Defensive Player of the Year: Jared Allen
Offensive Rookie of the Year: Percy Harvin
Defensive Rookie of the Year: Brian Cushing
Comeback Player of the Year: Chris Henry
Head Coach of the Year: Todd Haley

Boobs


-AFC-
West Champ: Chargers
East: Patriots
North: Steelers
South: Colts

Wildcard: Bengals
Wildcard: Jaguars

Conference Champs:
Patriots over Chargers

-NFC-
West: Seahawks
East: Giants
North: Packers
South: Falcons

Wildcard: Vikings
Wildcard: Cowboys

Conference Champs:
Falcons over Packers

Super Bowl XLIV
Patriots over Falcons

Super Bowl MVP: Randy Moss
Regular Season MVP: Carson Palmer
Offensive Player of the Year: Adrian Peterson
Defensive Player of the Year: Patrick Willis
Offensive Rookie of the Year: Chris Beanie Wells
Defensive Rookie of the Year: Rey Maualuga
Comeback Player of the Year: Tom Brady
Head Coach of the Year: Jack Del Rio

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Today's Thumbs Up and High Five Awesomeness Award Winner...

Kaleb Eulls, come on down!


So you're riding a school bus, doze off while listening to your iPod and wake up to a deranged teenage girl waving a loaded gun around, oh and you have three little sisters on the bus with you. What do you do? Don't answer that, just save yourself the embarrassment, because it's not nearly as awesome as what Kaleb Eulls did.

Eulls:

"I kept my distance for a second, she kind of glanced away or blinked and I got to her," he told the newspaper. He took her down, wrested away the gun, and held it up to show the other kids it was over.
Wow. That is so awesome... it's really nice to hear about some good off-the-field athlete related news. Even better though:


“I just tried to catch her attention to get the girl to point the gun directly at me and not at anyone else,” Eulls said.



He stared her down and would've actually gotten shot so that the others wouldn't. Can we get this kid a movie deal already?

Kaleb Eulls is an 18 year old DE/QB for Yazoo County High School in Mississippi and is a commit to Mississippi State. Kaleb, this TUHFAA's for you.


MSNBC

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Hurry Up And Sign Him Before He Changes His Mind Again

Some people would say that Brett Favre signing with the Vikings is the biggest story of the day. Those people would be wrong. And dumb. And probably the kind of people you wouldn't want to associate yourself with. The biggest story of the day is obviously that John David Booty won't be wearing the #4 jersey anymore. Apparently, Booty gave his number up to some old guy who is described as being "like a kid out there." Booty is now wearing the #9 jersey for the Vikings. The second coming of Tommy Kramer? That would be an understatement. Take Booty as soon as possible in your fantasy draft. Also, make sure you take Tim Biakabutuka early. You don't want your friends to take him first. Also, light your hair on fire.

Welcome to Minnesota, Brett.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Madden Will Once Again Consume My Life

Madden 2010 is released at midnight and I will be in line to get my copy. Yes, I am a nerd and I like video games. Especially video games that ruin friendships and relationships and make you want to throw your television out the window.


Friday, August 7, 2009

New Kevin Durant Nike Hyperize Commercial



Hey everyone get a load of the new Kevin Durant Nike Hyperize commercial. This fantastic video features Kevin Durant (Velvet Hoop), Mo Williams (Fog Raw), Andre Iguodala (Chief Blocka), and Rashard Lewis (Ice-O).

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Crabtree Wants A Golden Bus Stuffed With Money Or He Is Prepared To Sit


Michael Crabtree is prepared to sit out for the 2009 season? Are you kidding me? Rookies shouldn't be able to holdout for a giant contract. The NFL should use some type of rookie payscale based on their draft position. The rookies haven't proven that they can play well in the NFL and they shouldn't be given ridiculous contracts before they've played a single NFL game.


I hope that Crabtree sits out this year and never comes back. I would like to see his career amount to nothing all because of how greedy he is.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Pittsburgh Pirates: Eternal Rebuilders


I think this image sums up the Pirates organization rather well. And that doesn't even include other players they've traded like Nyjer Morgan, Sean Burnett, Damaso Marte, Jose Bautista, and some others I'm probably missing.

Paul Maholm, Zach Duke, and Ryan Doumit are pretty much the only players remaining from 2008's squad. We'll see how this all pans out for them a few years down the road. Is it even possible for them to make anymore trades?

Sunday, July 26, 2009

I Miss Matt Garza and Jason Bartlett


Watching the Twins struggle of late makes me really wonder how we would be sitting if we still had Jason Bartlett and Matt Garza instead of Delmon Young and Matt Garza. What are our pressing needs right now? Middle infield and pitching.

Not that Brendan Harris has been terrible, but let's take a look at his and Bartlett's stats this year:

Harris:
BAHRRBIOBPSLG
.263526.306.373

Bartlett
BAHRRBIOBPSLG
.341841.391.522

Yeah.

I mean look at our middle infield!

Alexi Casilla
BAHRRBIOBPSLG
.16806.247.203

And here I thought Alexi was having a Denard Span-esque breakout last season only to see that awesome .168 average this season.

Nick Punto
BAHRRBIOBPSLG
.202118.316.241

WE'RE PAYING NICK PUNTO $4 MILLION THIS YEAR AND $4.5 MILLION NEXT YEAR.




Matt Tolbert
BAHRRBIOBPSLG
.178112.272.225

Casilla...Tolbert...doesn't matter, both are having absolutely nauseating years at the plate.


Don't worry, Bill Smith has a plan! What? Trade for Jack Wilson or Freddy Sanchez? No way! Trade for Orlando Cabrera? No need! Hey what's Mark Grudzielanek doing? Nothing? Ya don't say! Get that man a contract! The sad thing is, if Grudzielanek does at least somewhat as good as he did last year he would be a drastic improvement over the rest of the garbage at middle infield. I never did get the Twins' fetish for giving ancient players one last chance... it never works. Why can't we just suck it up and make a trade. It's stupid front office moves like this that's gonna make Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau question if they actually wanna stay in Minnesota.

Anyways, back to the Rays trade.

I didn't like the trade from the beginning...I loved Bartlett and Garza and saw the potential they both had. Well that potential carried the TAMPA BAY (devil) RAYS TO THE WORLD F*#$ING SERIES! I was at least excited about the prospect of Delmon Young coming to Minnesota...former number 1 pick with a ton of upside. Well all I keep hearing about is that stupid upside and all he's done is grossly underperform. He was supposed to provide a power boost and solid hitting and has really done neither. Oh yeah and his defense kinda sucks too.

Can we please have a do-over? Between this trade and the Santana trade it's like all this bad karma is coming back from the A.J. Pierzynski for Joe Nathan, Boof Bonser, and Francisco Liriano trade. Or maybe it's just that Bill Smith is a jackass and far from a Terry Ryan.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Your Perfect Game Doesn't Matter To Me


Mark Buehrle threw a perfect game today and I'm not impressed. He's still disgusting and he plays for the one of the grossest teams in professional baseball. Also, the White Sox broadcasters are quite possibly the most annoying humans ever.

Also, Alexi Ramirez should probably go get checked for worms. He doesn't look healthy.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Bring Moss Back!

Football season is right around the corner and I can't wait. The Minnesota Vikings will soon have Brett Favre as their starting quarterback and their team will be in place. But they're missing one thing. Randy Moss. Please Minnesota, bring Moss back.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

PRESS HOP!

This is absolutely the best thing ever.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Spelling Errors Are Even Funnier On TV


ESPN's crappy new segment, Blog Buzz, covers some of the trendy topics in the sports world. The last couple of days they have featured a couple of topics from the blog Intentional Foul. That's great, except they have been giving credit to internationalfoul.com every time. What is ESPN trying to pull here? Why are they trying to lure viewers to this nonexistent website? I mean, they wouldn't accidentally misspell a word and leave it there for several days for millions of people to see, would they? Somewhere, Kavya Shivashankar is shaking her head.

Friday, June 26, 2009

The NBA Draft Hurts My Brain


I don't even know what to make of the NBA Draft last night. My Grizzlies took Thabeet over Rubio (D'OH!) and screwed themselves out of a ton of jersey sales. The Timberwolves ended up landing the Spanish sensation and a few other guards (Isiah Thomas was clearly behind this). Brandon Jennings made a late appearance and David Stern gave him an awkward introduction. The Suns took the crappier brother again (last year it was Robin Lopez). It was an interesting night to say the least.

Today I'm going to leave you with another nice OJ Mayo mix. Enjoy!




Thursday, June 11, 2009

Source: ESPN Has A Favre Storyline Generator

The Brett Favre story is dead to me. ESPN reported on Monday that the Vikings imposed a deadline for Favre to make a decision if he is going to join the team by the end of the week. Brad Childress says that ESPN's sourcing is very questionable. Apparently, ESPN has just been making stuff up as they go along.

When he makes his decision let me know. Until then, you can get back to your precious Yankees coverage.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

This Sandwich Was Made With Love But Would Have Been Better With Mayo

Right now I am watching the NBA Finals and The Lakers are starting to run away with the game. As much as I like the NBA Finals, I am more excited for the NBA Draft. It's not far away and the Grizzlies have the second pick (I know you are getting tired of hearing about this). At last year's draft the Grizzlies got OJ Mayo in a trade which sent Kevin Love to the Timberwolves.

As most of you know, I enjoy watching highlight mixes on YouTube. Game 1 of the NBA Finals hasn't held my attention as much as I had hoped so I have had plenty of time to look for some new mixes. I came across a really good OJ Mayo mix which is the reason I am writing this. If you are also finding it hard to watch the blowout that is going on right now, check out the mix below.

Monday, June 1, 2009

The Metrodome Needs to Go


The Minnesota Twins are building a new stadium, Target Field, and it can't come soon enough. Living in Grand Forks, we're in kind of a dead zone as the closest MLB outdoor stadium is 10 hours away. I recently attended a few games this past week of Twins vs. Red Sox, and the Metrodome just isn't a suitable baseball stadium. While the "Dome" has been the site of many great moments, baseball is meant to be played outdoors, the experience is greatly heightened with the smell of fresh cut grass and slight breeze. Target Field is going to quickly make people realize what they've been missing for the past three decades. Many people will be upset when a game gets rained out or when it's 40º and snowing out, but I'll gladly trade a few rain outs for a summer full of great baseball outside.

While I've only seen a couple outdoor games including Miller Park and City of Palms Park, I plan on crossing a few more off the list this summer attending games at Kauffman Stadium (which I've heard is fantastic) and Busch Stadium. The thought of a game when 80º and the home team is rallying in the 9th with a beer in hand makes me want to drive to a game today!

Friday, May 29, 2009

Blogging Brothers


We haven't blogged in about a week now and I feel really bad that I haven't been able to share my witless and moronic thoughts to you lately. I've been training and getting ready for the NBA Draft so it's been tough to find the time.

The other day one of my friends told me about a blog written by Kevin Slowey's brother, Dan. It's called Blogonoscopy and it's pretty entertaining. He questions the interior decoration of the building that holds his doctor's office, investigates a neighbor's Transformers build, and shoots guns. I highly recommend that you check it out. Kevin also has his own blog that he updates during the offseason. If you don't know who Kevin Slowey is, eventually you will. He is a pitcher for the Minnesota Twins and he leads the team with a 7-1 record. He led the Twins to a win over the Red Sox on Wednesday and could potentially be an All-Star if he keeps it up.

If you take anything from this post it should be to go to Blogonoscopy and to go vote for Kevin for the All-Star Game. And if you don't I will kill you. Just kidding. But seriously.....